We talk often about rites of passage, the milestones that mark a young person’s transition from childhood toward adulthood. Done well, these rituals build real bonds, helping someone feel part of a team, a culture, a community. But what happens when that bond comes at the expense of someone else’s safety or dignity? That’s the moment a rite of passage becomes something else entirely: bullying.
Hazing, Harm, and the Illusion of Belonging
Consider the well-documented case in Sayreville, New Jersey, where members of a high school football team were found to have used hazing rituals to assert dominance over younger teammates, reportedly including physical intimidation, coercion, and humiliation, all under the banner of “team bonding.” The season was canceled. Coaches were removed. The reckoning was real, and it was necessary.
Let’s be clear about what actually happened there: when there’s a real imbalance of power, it isn’t bonding. It’s bullying. The older players weren’t welcoming new teammates. They were using fear and control to manufacture a loyalty that was never real to begin with.
Is Bullying Just Part of Growing Up?
Some people still argue that bullying or hazing is “just part of growing up,” especially inside high school or college athletics, dismissing it as toughening kids up or testing limits. Developmentally, it’s true that adolescents seek autonomy and push against boundaries. But boundary-testing never requires humiliation or harm. It doesn’t require shame or enforced silence. And it certainly never requires hurting someone else to prove you belong.
Bullying is not a rite of passage. It’s a violation of trust, dignity, and psychological safety, and it deserves to be named as exactly that, not softened into tradition.
Where Bullying Shows Up, and Why It Matters
Bullying isn’t confined to locker rooms or playgrounds. It shows up in kindergartens, where exclusion teaches children early how power can be misused. It shows up in workplaces, where hazing quietly morphs into toxic onboarding. It shows up in gangs, where violence becomes the currency of acceptance, and in schools, where kids get recruited into cultures of silence or aggression before they’re old enough to name what’s happening to them.
Every case looks a little different on the surface. The emotional and psychological consequences underneath are remarkably consistent: shame, fear, isolation, depression, and real trauma that can outlast the incident itself by years.
How to Interrupt the Cycle
As parents, mentors, and mental health advocates, the duty here is straightforward: pay attention, and speak up.
- Watch for shifts in behavior: changes in sleep, withdrawal, irritability, or reluctance to attend school or practice
- Ask open-ended questions, like “What’s it like being the new kid on the team?” or “Have you ever felt pressured to fit in?”
- Know who your child is actually spending time with, and what those dynamics look like up close
- Attend games, practices, and school events when you’re able to
- Trust your gut when something feels off, even before you can name exactly what it is
Early intervention and consistent conversation build emotional safety. And when kids feel safe, they speak up sooner, before a pattern becomes entrenched.
Bullying Is a Community Issue
We have to stop treating bullying as one child’s individual problem. It’s a community health issue, which means it’s everyone’s responsibility, not just the family directly affected.
- Schools must take prevention seriously, not just react after the fact
- Coaches must build cultures of respect, not fear disguised as discipline
- Parents must lead with curiosity and real connection, not just rule enforcement
- Communities must choose compassion over convenient silence
When we ignore bullying because it’s “not our child” or “not our business,” we let harm grow unchecked. When we see all children as ours to protect, we build a genuinely safer future.
Creating a Culture of Affirmation
Prevention isn’t only about stopping harm after it starts. It’s about building resilience, affirmation, and safety before it’s ever needed. Talk to your kids every day, not just when something’s already gone wrong. Ask what made them feel proud today. Ask what felt uncomfortable. Ask who they feel safe around, and what they wish the adults in their life actually understood.
Then listen, not just for the answers, but for the pauses. That’s usually where the real information lives.
Final Thought: They Deserve Better
Every young person deserves the chance to grow up in spaces where strength isn’t measured by dominance, where leadership is rooted in empathy instead of fear, and where being part of a team means lifting each other up rather than tearing someone down to prove loyalty. Let’s give them that. Our kids deserve nothing less.
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Written by Tamara Pommells, LPC, LCADC, ACS.
