Dealing with Family Tension
Family tension is a universal truth. Every family, at some point, faces moments of discomfort. Often stemming from the roles and expectations we navigate within our family systems, these moments can range from mildly awkward to significantly stressful. But what if we viewed these tensions not just as challenges, but as opportunities for growth and understanding?
Everyone experiences awkward family moments. Remember that one wedding when everyone had too much to drink? Truths roll. Family systems will inevitably have family tension that is partially due to our roles and expectations within the system. Tension can sometimes be an indicator of what is working in a family system or where there are blockages. When a family system is “clogged,” you can make changes, but you need to be patient as you break patterns that have been there for years and sometimes generations.
Families make tacit agreements as to roles and needs in a family system. Everyone has their place, and when we are integrating a new family member, there will be some bumps as part of the integration process. Typically, this tension surrounds holidays, weddings, birth, and death. ANY CHANGE WILL PROVOKE STRESS IN THE FAMILY SYSTEM.
The Nature of Family Tension:
Family tension is a natural byproduct of the complex web of relationships, roles, and expectations that define our family systems. These tensions can serve as both a barometer for what’s functioning well in our families and a spotlight on areas where communication and dynamics may be blocked or strained.
There is a carefully orchestrated dance that happens in every family system. All family members participate in this dance. We know our roles. One of the most important things to remember is that there is tension in EVERY family system. Looking from the inside out, it may seem as if other families are happy and functional, but everyone struggles with their own level of functionality.
Healing Family Tension
The major differences in functional vs dysfunctional families surround insight. Dysfunctional families generally demonstrate higher levels of anxiety and control. Functional families are typically those that are actively working on growth and change. Functional families are hallmarked by a desire to be better. Higher functioning families are proactive and flexible in their thought processes.
Generally, families that are higher functioning are families where family members feel as if their voices are heard and as if they are equal members. Families that function at a “higher frequency” or are more securely attached cultivate individuals who are more secure, less anxious, more likely to trust in relationships, and generally report a higher level of life satisfaction. Imagine a family where you can make mistakes and be corrected AND encouraged after you have made the mistake.
There are families where you know exactly where you stand and where you love your family position. A strong family makes you want to come home and unravel because you know you will find solutions in an affirming environment. You can intentionally create a family where you are rebuilt and restored after a long day of the world-beating you down. In the nature vs. nurture issue, you need both to be your best self.
Expecting the Family Tension
Even when we are working towards our vision of a strong family, we will still become frustrated because life can be one long exercise in overcoming frustration. We can celebrate our tenacity when we plan to overcome it. Don’t be blindsided by thinking this life thing is going to be smooth.
Life is never smooth; ask a toddler on a tough day. They will tell you that it is not fair, and they are right. So, plan for the unfairness of it all. Expect the family tension, mentally rehearse it, and know when to hit the escape button. Know what you are capable of dealing with and know when to walk away for a “bathroom/ sanity break.” Forewarned is forearmed; don’t say that I didn’t warn you.
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