Building a Culture of Love
The Cultural Celebration of Love
The American narrative often depicts love as an emblem of freedom and ecstasy. Love is that place where personal choice reigns supreme. Some may even feel that marriage is the ultimate expression of love after generations of conforming to societal expectations of who and how to love. Let’s process how cultural perceptions of love influence individual decisions in romantic relationships. Let us also consider how these perceptions set the stage for a deeper exploration of marital trends and the essence of companionship.
Americans embrace the freedom and ecstasy of love. As a culture, we make our own choices when it comes to dating. We eschew the advice of others because we know what we want. Right? Well, that depends. As we approach wedding season, the divorce rate of 3.2 per 1000 people does little to deter lovers as they march down the aisle. As couples marry later in life, they come in with more life experience and a lot of emotional baggage, which can show up as they navigate inevitable conflict later in life. Interestingly, the average age of marriage has risen from 27.1 to 29.8 in men and 25.3 to 27.8 in females.
Why do We want to Connect?
People get into relationships as a means of emotional fulfillment and companionship. Often, we look at connections from a place of what we receive rather than from a place of what we need to give. An energy exchange exists in all relationships, and everything has a price.
Does love have a price? It depends on how you see love. Some people look at love as a way to quiet the inner negative voices. Other people look at love as a means to build themselves up. Still, others look at love as a means to fulfill their highest potential. We all have something that we want from love. We want to be free to love and feel loved, but what are we willing to give?
Building Our Frustration Tolerance
Sometimes, love can elude us, and therein lies the message. It may be that what is missing is a reflection of the work that is incomplete within ourselves. Sometimes, we are unable to sustain love; it is a sign that our tolerance skills and insight are still growing. If we keep meeting the wrong partner, it is a sign that our values are unclear to ourselves and thus unclear to others.
When looking at the current divorce statistics in the USA, 41% of first marriages end in divorce. Incidentally, 60% of second marriages end in divorce, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. The data indicate that changing partners does not lead to a fulfilling relationship. Many people change partners, thinking the change will bring forward the intimacy skills most people crave. However, a partner only reflects our own growth. If we fail to grow, we will be attracted to partners whose growth has stagnated somewhere along the line.
Overcoming Obstacles
With all these roadblocks, should we even bother with relationships in the new millennium? Yes, we should. The most extensive longitudinal study in the USA indicates that at the end of our lives, we rate happiness as a reflection of our relationships. The quality of our relationships is the key to aging well. We need to learn HOW to have good relationships.
People may feel that intimacy skills come naturally, but I tend to think that we learn intimacy from our primary relationships. Regardless of how good our first teachers are, we can all learn to get a little better. We can practice new techniques, we can read books, and we can attend workshops. We can also pick these things apart in therapy. There are no perfect relationships and no perfect people, but there are people that keep trying no matter how many times they get knocked down. Let’s work on it!
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