Will you ever Trust Again?
Trust is a fragile element of the human experience. We are born as trusting entities. As an infant, we learn that when we cry, someone will be there to comfort us. Hopefully, we learn early that someone will be attentive to our needs. As private citizens, we trust that our elected officials will act in our best interest and utilize the resources entrusted to them appropriately. Sometimes, we demonstrate trust as parents when we give our teenagers space and time to themselves. We trust that when we work, our bosses will pay us. Our whole lives are built on the tacit agreements that we make.
Breaking Trust
Trust is everywhere, and it is an essential part of being human. Somewhere along the way, some of us lose trust in others. Sadly, we realize as infants that our caretaker does not respond to our cries, and we stop crying. We become apathetic and hardened by the realities of life. Eventually, we recognize that our government officials are human and are prone to corruption. Slowly, we grow disillusioned, and we stop believing. We may realize that our teens don’t always tell the truth. Sometimes, our partners may lie to us, and over time, something inside of us cracks.
Can We Ever Heal?
Can trust ever be restored after it has been damaged? Is it possible for us to believe again? For some of us, the answer is no. The betrayal of trust has been too often and too pervasive. The hurt runs deep. Too many people have disappointed us, and we expect to be let down again. For some of the more resilient of us, it takes time, forgiveness, and therapeutic work to heal. Eventually, we learn to trust (and thus love) again.
Repairing the Damage
How do we repair the damage? Steps towards improving trust include asking for what you need from the other party. Do you need your parent to honor their commitments? Do you need your partner to share more of what is on their mind?
Maybe we need total transparency in the relationship because we have been burned. Do you need your loved one to show up when they say they are going to show up? Do you need absolute honesty in your relationship? Is monogamy a requirement?
Sometimes, we need to go back and renegotiate our original agreement. Everyone has a different set of conditions for relationships. When we are honest and share those things with the people in our lives, we give our relationships a chance to thrive.
Negotiating Emotional Needs
Relationships are all about negotiation. When we ask for what we need, people can choose to honor our feelings, or they can refuse to meet our emotional needs. Their choices show you where you stand. In my office, we like to say, “It is our job to put it down, but you can’t force anyone to pick it up.”
The only people that can work on the behaviors are the people in the session. Therapy is all about taking responsibility for our own stuff. We are driving our own bus, and we take ownership of our happiness.
Starting a full discussion about your needs is critical to any relationship, from the employee to the friend, to the lover, to the child. The trust conversation happens over time and can be painful. If the trust has been breached, ALL parties need to do work to resolve the trust issue, and we can all start by making the decision to do the work.
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