Conflict Resolution in the Public Eye
Recently, Usher Raymond has been in the news for another round in his custody battle with his former wife. The divorce and co-parenting experience is too often a minefield. Sometimes, it presents opportunities for growth and positive conflict resolution. Through their experiences, public figures can sometimes offer valuable insights into handling these situations with grace and dignity. When a public figure such as Mr. Raymond navigates the trials of divorce and custody battles, it can serve as a model for constructive engagement and highlight the importance of a healthy approach to resolving familial conflicts.
Conflict is typically such a private matter that we usually only see it when it is messy. I applaud the manner in which this particular individual handles the issues surrounding the marriage, divorce, and the resultant custody battles. Divorce and blended families need different rules in therapy than the less frequently seen “nuclear” family, which is becoming obsolete as we move forward.
The Role of Positive Parenting Post-Divorce
The transition to co-parenting post-divorce requires a shift in dynamics. Parents have to place their emphasis on positive parenting to ensure the well-being of all family members involved. It’s essential to maintain a hands-on approach, balancing professional commitments with the responsibilities of parenting. Let us be honest; this is a tough juggle. Identifying with public figures who manage these dual roles can provide comfort and relatable strategies for those in similar situations. Strangely, we may feel less alone, and we can see this happening to many of us.
Tough Times
Reports state that Usher’s son, Usher V, was in a near-fatal swimming accident at his home while under the care of a family member. Thankfully, the five-year-old was pulled out in time and continues to be under observation. Usher’s ex-wife, who lost her older son last year in a boating accident, may have been triggered by the near-death experience of her younger son, and she reacted by requesting increased control of the co-parenting and custody agreement per reports. These fears and reactivity are common scenarios that we work on in family systems therapy.
Children of divorce are often caught in the crossfire between parents. Parents have a larger burden to make an increased effort to parent positively. If you thought marriage was hard, try parenting while divorced. Per reports, Usher was able to accept responsibility for the accident and validate a mother’s sense of grief and pain. Reportedly, the judge’s official words, in this case, were, “Mr. Raymond, you need to make an increased effort to let your ex-wife know your whereabouts.” All mothers (and fathers) need to know where their children are at all times and need to be reassured that they are safe.
Increased Effort
When marriages fall apart, there is typically a cutoff in communication as both parties grieve and rebuild. The connection between family members becomes increasingly necessary as children cope with the loss of a family system that they once knew. When we respond to these changes in a proactive manner, we reassure the children involved. Children start to feel that their parents now care for each other as co-parents rather than intimate partners.
They are reassured that love is consistent and unconditional. This style of communication takes an increased effort over time by all family members. We demonstrate our feelings both verbally and nonverbally. If children sense that one parent feels negatively towards the other parent, they may internalize this negative feeling as they see themselves as an extension of both parents.
Boundaries and Getting Help
As counselors, we help reframe the divorce and custody issue for children. We explain that parents grow, and sometimes they grow apart with different needs. Our responsibility as therapists is to help parents maintain their roles as parents regardless of the marriage situation.
Children need to know that their parents will always be on the same page, i.e., whatever is in the long-term best interest of their child. When we parent positively and proactively, it reduces the chance of “splitting,” which can have adverse effects in the future for the child and, by extension, the parent.
As we cope with changing families, we must take a mindful approach to addressing parenting issues. We can benefit by looking at the particular parenting styles of those around us and incorporating the best pieces. Sometimes, people need more assistance, and it is always good to reach out for help.
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